Marriage and Relationship: So you want to get married? What happens after the butterflies fades away in your marriage??

Now we've all been there in our relationships and have all experienced the tingling sensation, burning desires and passion for our spouses at one point or the other or probably still getting those butterflies. This mostly occurs in the starting of any relationship or marriage.

After all that, so what happened to those telephone calls excitements, longing to talk to him or her, waiting next to the phone to ring, the jumpiness or timidity and you being so anxious in front of each other?

Now maybe after a year or two, three, five or even ten years and so on into your marriage, what happens when we no longer feel those butterflies in our stomach?

Hence, I went on to research the cause of these butterflies we feel in our stomach and here is the summary of what it is.

The butterfly feeling is caused by adrenaline, a chemical that causes us to have butterflies in our stomach and occurs when we are nervous or excited mostly about a romantic relationship. When the chemicals pulls away from the stomach into our muscle this causes the butterfly feeling in our stomach. So in my opinion, this has to do with attraction as a result of our body responding to the hormones.

The truth is that in every long lasting relationship not just marriage, the butterfly feeling cannot stay nor last forever! That is the honest truth, but hold on there! Does that mean the love is gone? Certainly not in most cases, it doesn't mean the love has died or faded away. It just so happens that you are now on very familiar grounds with each other and no longer nervous like when you were in the early stages of your romantic relationship.

Sadly some people tend to think when the butterfly feeling is not there something is wrong with their marriage or their relationship and even worse of all some marriages and even relationships has broken because of this. Basically if we keep validating our relationship or marriage based on the butterfly syndrome you won't be able to keep and nurture a solid relationship or even a marriage.

I believe when a marriage hits this stage we come into another realm of maturity of not just feelings but another level of commitment, understanding, respect and unconditional love.

Haven't said that I was having this conversation with a friend and we discussed this, she asked me, ‘how can we awaken a spark in a marriage if we find ourselves in that position’.

The truth is Marriage requires hard work-you cannot reap what you do not sow into it.  You cannot depend on “trust” to hold the structure of your marriage neither can you rely on “feelings or butterfly” to be the gatekeeper. What happens when trust alone cannot handle the structure of your marriage? What happens when feelings fade away? What happens when the butterfly disappears? Does that mean that it is all over? NO! Marriage is like a seed in a beautiful garden but a beautified garden is a result of skilful work ethics, time and effort all based on SACRIFICE.

I say sacrifice based on what I learnt from the bible, we see in Ephesians 5:25 ‘husbands love your wives just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself for her’. A clear example is the love of Jesus, which is not based on emotions but obedience (i.e. doing what the father wants).

However, it is very significant that we work on attraction, just like a gardener working hard to get the best result from his plants. Also the physical aspect of a relationship is just as important as the spiritual aspect also!

For instance, envisage in the midst of your busy schedule as a wife, just before your husband returns from work on his normal routine and you are all made up, nice hair and taken your time just the same way you used to do it when the relationship just kicked off, wearing the best of the best lingerie and he comes in and meets you like that! This for sure would and will spark any man whether he is 70 years old or above. Don’t get this wrong, while you cannot achieve this every single day, but ask yourself how many times have you done this in a year or perhaps a week, month?

Basically, take care of your health, your face, breath and keep fit because all this determines your physical appearance. Sometimes we just get too over familiar with ourselves!

Also when trying to create excitements, this is not what you do when you are in disagreement with your spouse. You need to settle the feud and create the mood; you don’t want to get disappointed! The idea of creating sparks in your marriage is to raise the bar in your relationships and don’t be too religious and say my marriage will not break in Jesus name! Amen. The word of God has already been spoken over your marriage by God, the creator and maker of all things to make it work, but don’t leave the responsibility to God, (faith without works is dead).

Also for husbands, continue to woo your wives with words and actions! Your words during the day are powerful and will determine the outcome of your night time that is the Funmi therapy. I have heard some men say ‘but am no longer chasing her we are now married, so why should I continue to woo her’ that is funny, forgetting women are passionate about sweet words!

We can’t leave the success of our marriage to chance, but through nurturing, cultivation, not feelings or how we feel. Although this doesn't necessary bring back the butterflies but it strengthens and cultivates the institution.

Haven’t said that, this is why it is fundamental that you are sure about the person you want to marry because the butterfly feeling don't last forever but love does with nurture and hard work. I suggest you read my first two posts on So You Want to Get Married ( See Here and Here Also). Also I keep telling people all the time that marriage is not all about the roses and kisses in bed but more like who would take out the bin from the kitchen when both of you are very tired. Who would help do the house chores when both parties are so busy and needs to prioritize their time accordingly and so much more!

The butterfly syndrome should not be considered as love because love is not a feeling but a choice, if not God wouldn't command us to love our enemies in Luke 6:35. For me I have always believed that love is a decision we make and the bible makes me understand this in 1Corinthians 13: 4-7 and love never fails, we do everything possible to make it work and go beyond the physical and understand a different kind of intimacy with our spouse.

In conclusion, it’s crucial to recognize where I get my and inspiration and drive, which is from my parents who have been married for over 35years and when I look at them I see clearly not butterfly feelings but commitment, unconditional love in total, forgiveness, kindness and above all sacrifice. I strive to endeavour that marriages last forever and prosper and I will end with what my husband taught me, he always says ‘it is better to love according to the will of God rather than the will of the flesh’.

Please share your thoughts with me, what are your views when the butterfly fades away and don’t forget to subscribe by email. Also it’s okay to comment anonymously, I will reply all comments and views.

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God bless you

#SYWTGM #Series3